How to approach women with confidence
I am on the path of mastery. Being an educator is my second nature, so please forgive me when my writings sound like instructions, rather than a story. I am working on it.
Recently I wrote an essay about the confidence and I realized that I can’t squeeze all of the experience that I have and all the knowledge that I acquired over the years into one single article and I decided that dating is a topic that deserves a separate discussion.
I am writing an essay that I wish I could find and read years ago when I was just starting learning about dating.
I dedicate it to men who are like me back then — lost, with tons of questions in their heads and a blurry understanding of what concrete actions should be made to get better at dating. I do it for you because I wish someone did it for me.
Here is a condensed knowledge of what I have been collecting for years.
Some people are just born very physically attractive and acquire the seduction skills in a very natural way. They are so-called “naturals”. Their behavior and the way they treat women are instinctive, they possess high natural confidence, have a high presence and they are very successful with women.
I never was one.
I was never good with women.
But what I learned is that it is possible to become a self-taught natural.
I also learned that people like me who were never good at this can excel naturals because naturals never had an urge of improving whereas autodidacts who are fueled by deep internal dissatisfaction and desire to get better seek and cherish discomfort fanatically.
Here are the steps to take:
Step 1. Identify the bullshit.
Mindset so-called “inner game” is the key to everything.
Your objective is to dig deep into your mind and find mindsets that are simply not working. Find out their true nature. Maybe they come from stereotypes, maybe they are self-imposed beliefs, maybe you heard them somewhere and they just soaked in and you never put them under the pressure test of critical thinking.
These beliefs can be very different but all of them have something in common
BS mindsets limit your abilities to make a change in your dating life.
- The life is unfair to me
- I am too old
- I am too young
- I am too ugly
- I am too broke
- I am too busy
- I am too fat
- I am too skinny
- I don’t need it. I am ok alone
- All girls are evil
- All girls are gold-diggers
- First, I need to (insert here what you think you need to do first) and then girls will like me
- All girls want a boyfriend (that’s not true)
Now this list can go on and on.
If you start to look between the lines carefully you may see that there is a pattern uniting all of these mindsets. And the pattern is clear — having them and keeping thinking this way doesn’t change a thing. You need to
Step 2. Cut the bullshit.
You should have a clear separation, a red line between Things that you can change and Things that you can’t change.
What do you do with the things that you can’t change?
Example: I am short. I am 165 cm. This is below the average height in my country. It is objective truth. Not subjective because I can’t change my height.
What can I do?
I can change the way I think about this problem: Ok, I am short. I agree. It is objective truth. I embrace it. I can’t change my height. But, if I think about it more, a man should possess a much higher confidence to date a girl who is taller than him. It takes more balls and assertiveness to own my height.
This is called reframe.
You just reformulated the way you think about this problem and this kind of trick is applicable in order to flip any limiting belief into the efficient mindset. Give it a shot.
What are the things that I can change?
Example: everything that is related to one’s appearance is strictly subjective.
Some girls like skinny guys, some like muscles, some like chubby. Some girls like longs hair in men, some like short, some like bold. It is all a matter of taste and personal preference.
As a rule of thumb, everything that can be defined as an opinion is subjective.
Your mindset should be: “I let the woman decide why she doesn’t like me. I don’t need to find reasons for her.”
What can I do?
It is still your responsibility to squeeze all of your handsomeness potential out of yourself. You need to be fit, well-dressed, well-groomed and smell nice.
If you do all of these things you will also feel well, have a high energy and feel good about yourself, so anytime you want to meet a woman you need to feel like a million bucks.
Investigate the very nature of every belief you have about yourself. Thorough work on your inner demons is what will lead you to the insights and the next steps to execute. Dig deep into your old rusty dogmas. Turn the stones.
Forget about “just be yourself” kinda bullshit.
No one likes us for who we are.
People like us when we look good, feel good, smell good, give good energy, set up good vibes, say pleasant and smart things, when we are witty, intellectual, humorous and carry a light of million suns inside.
Go and start changing things that are under your control. Enroll in acting classes, practice public speaking, exercise like there is no tomorrow, read, write, create value, share knowledge, travel, get a new hobby, volunteer. Live an interesting life and you will become an interesting person. Channel the value and you will become a man of value. Invest in yourself. Grow infinitely.
Step 3. Substitute bullshit with effective mindsets.
If you had some toxic mindsets that you picked up from outside before, now it is time to sort of opinionate yourself from the inside, program yourself with a set of new working self-beliefs.
Effective mindsets can be different in formulation but same as before there will be one thing in common uniting them all. The sign of an effective mindset is that
Effective mindsets create opportunities.
- Women love men. A lot.
- I have everything that is required to be a lovable person.
- I have everything to make any woman happy.
- Women love to receive genuine sincere compliments, even if they are random
- Women love to be approached. An approach is a compliment itself.
- It is rude to see a beautiful woman on the street and not to approach her to say how beautiful she is. She spent hours to prepare and it is rude to not notice an acknowledge it.
- I love women and I am not sorry about it.
The list goes on, but you get the point. All of these mindsets should give you an impetus to take action when the time is right.
“So what is the right time to go talk to her?”
Step 4. Stay present
The time is NOW.
There are no tomorrows and yesterdays. There is only a moment where you can step up and make a change.
The next important step is to learn how to stay present.
Most of the time when we feel bad, we don’t feel it because something bad is happening to us at that particular moment. We feel bad because we let negative memories of the past or concerns about the future drag our attention away.
The ability to envision possible negative scenarios is an evolutionary mechanism and our brain is designed to do it exceptionally well. The ability to project and foresee aftermath which back in the time ensured our survival doesn’t serve us when it comes to approaching women.
When you first start approaching them you will not be able to avoid the feelings of anxiety. You will be nervous. Your body might shake and voice tremble.
That is the natural response of the body to the things that will be running through your head.
You need to learn how to reprogram your brain to visualize positive scenarios which will supersede the negative ones.
Visualizing positive scenarios is not the same as setting up expectations. On the contrary, you should achieve a level of complete detachment from the result.
Don’t care about her reaction.
You do what you have to do and let the rest happen.
Women are purely emotional beings. Sometimes women can be negative just because they feel that way. You don’t know anything about her. Maybe she had a bad day, maybe she just broke up with her boyfriend, maybe she has a period pain, maybe her legs hurt from heels, maybe she failed an exam.
You don’t know.
Your shield towards possible negative reactions is the following mindset:
Everything that woman says is not personal. It’s emotional.
I learned how to stay in the moment not listening to the inner talk to intercede between me and my objective. I learned how not to resist the sensations in my body but rather embrace them, be mindful of them by observing them. After some training, my brain started to automatically produce images of a positive outcome, but at the same time I learned how not to care about anything that happens after I say “Hi!”. Teaching my brain was hard. The application is simple.
Mindfulness is achievable through meditations.
The secret of mindfulness is that this observation itself is a process of refocusing your attention from the things that happen around you to the sensations in your body. Self-sabotage thoughts will start to dissipate once you deprive them of your attention. The training is hard but the power of your presence will grow with every single meditation and reward you for every minute you spent still.
Step 5. Take action.
When your “inner game” is strong taking the action becomes the simplest part.
Here is purely practical stuff for you.
Have you ever got yourself in the fight?
Remember the other guy?
Even if he didn’t say a word you can physically feel his aggression and willingness to become the reason for your fatal injuries. This is his meta-message. This the intent that he is projecting to you.
It works with any person in general. Project an intent of openness and friendliness. Have a meta-message: “I am a friend. You are safe with me. I will do you no harm”.
You don’t need cheesy pick-up lines and sophisticated openers.
Don’t be serious. You don’t go to a war.
Be very direct. Be playful. Don’t care about what happens next.
Let the present moment unfold itself.
Be direct. Always.
Never start a conversation with something indirect like:
“Excuse me do you know where is the closest library?”
This is a wrong move. You are wasting your time as you frame your conversation in a way that is not congruent with your intent.
When you see a girl just go to her, look her straight in the eye (yes, just one eye, it’s easier to focus and project your intent that way. Don’t jump between eyes. Choose left or right) and
Just say it!
“ Hi, excuse me, that might sound a bit random, but I just saw you, and I think you are very cute.”
Again, don’t be serious. Smile. Be friendly. Keep it light. And
Don’t be apologetic.
Your “inner game” — your intent that you project should go like:
“I like you. You are gorgeous. YES, I am interested. NO, I am not f***ing sorry. I want to get to know you better.”
Once you said the line see what happens.
If you are shy and anxious, say it. It will discharge the anxiety inside you and it is highly likely that a girl will find you cute:
“Hi, excuse me. To be honest I was standing there literally for 10 minutes thinking if I should talk to you. I am a bit shy but mmmm…I think you are beautiful”.
Boom! Just say it. Spit it out. Mumbling. Trembling. But do it.
Embrace the sensations of discomfort in your body. Don’t resist, let them flow through you and let go.
Whatever happens, own it.
Approach. Get surprised. Learn. Fix. Repeat.
And don’t forget to take her number.
Taking action is the simplest yet the most important step. No “inner game” matters if you actually don’t get yourself out there.
When and where do I meet women?
Forget about the night game — clubs, bars etc. They all suck.
If men’s genetic role is to spread their genes, then women’s evolutionary role is to filter off bad genes. In the night girls expect to be approached so they have their defense mechanism fully alert and shields are ON.
Day game only.
Girls do not expect to be approached and much more opened to communication.
Everywhere. Libraries, coffee shops, streets, parks. Anything.
Have the right attitude.
I use the word “game” because it was first introduced into the community and it is kind of describing both dating dynamics and what is going in the head — a mind game. In nature, mating is essentially a game, so I don’t think I misuse this word by any means.
However, I don’t like the word “pick-up”. The use of it results in a soulless attitude towards women.
I discourage you to be a “fuckboy”.
Don’t be shallow. Women are not things.
Have the right attitude — be respectful, mindful and considerate. Think how would you want another man to treat her if she was your sister or mother.
With a woman, you can’t push certain buttons and get a predictable result. But as with any person, you can touch her soul and she will open up to you.
Regardless of what is the relationship dynamics that you choose with a woman you should follow one principle:
Leave the woman better than she was before.
Don’t destroy her life, enrich it. Let her experience with you be magical and unforgettable even if it is temporary. Take her on a journey she won’t regret.
To be = to do. Confidence and audacity don’t fall from the sky. You have to earn them. You will cringe at first. It’s ok. It is discomfort. You are growing. First, it becomes a habit. Then it becomes your second nature.
❓ Do you have a question? Ask me! I answer daily on Quora.