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About Solitude

Letters to my unborn child.

Hay, kiddo.

I will be writing letters to you. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did, and as any parent I want you to become better than I am. I want you to become the best version of yourself, and realize all your potential, but much more than that I want you to be happy.

Depression.

I was living in my head. I let all of the external conditions to lead me to the negative states. I was sleeping, I was blind, I was stupid, and I was weak. I was depressed. Loneliness was eating me from the inside, and it brought me so much suffering. I complained all the time, and it was my personal mind trap that I strengthened myself day by day. I was blaming the country, my teachers, I was blaming the weather and the city, I was blaming everyone including myself. And I felt pity for myself. The worst thing ever. What happened to me in Canada is a matter for the whole another story. The long story short is that I fell so low, that I almost hit the bottom. I saw the bottom and it scared me. I had two choices: I start crawling up, or I perish. So I started to crawl.
The life lesson of today is what I learned back in my days there:

Transcend your loneliness to solitude.

The most transformational things you will do when you are alone. You will implement small, incremental changes that are unnoticeable to other people, they will be able to see them only in dynamics when the change is accumulated. If you put a slug of iron in a barrel and start adding a melted gold drop by drop, after some time the barrel will be full of gold, and no one will see that there was iron once. Elevate your attitude towards being alone from loneliness to solitude. Drop by drop.

We suffer because of our ego.

We suffer because the world is not the way we imagine it in our heads. We suffer because we are resisting to what happens to us. We suffer because of the way we think about ourselves. We resist whereas all we need to do is to surrender.
The most fascinating and interesting peculiarity about the ego is its self-dissolving quality. Your ego brings you to suffering, you get tired of suffering and you start to ask the right questions, questions lead you to the truth, and finally, the crumbles of truth once they are found start to slowly kill the ego. After some time, I got tired of suffering. I started to ask the right questions, I was getting the right answers, and eventually, I realized something.

Nothing is changing while you complain.

There are only two ways of living. You either fall or you rise. There is no third option. Even if you feel that you hover on one place it is an illusion. You decay in stagnation. You are falling down.

In order to love yourself, you need to earn respect from yourself.

Marginal changes in a daily routine, one step at a time. One more push-up. One more page of a book. One more day without indulging in your bad habits. Little by little you earn your own respect, you learn the mechanisms of achievements and rewards, you learn how to celebrate small wins. Sometime after you will start liking yourself for your victories over yourself, you will start seeing changes in your body, in your perception, in the difference of past and current reactions on events and people around you. You will learn a lot about yourself.

Depression happens only to people who have enough time to feel like shit

All the important things in life are unbelievably simple. But the way of crystallization of your mindset into a system of convictions that is both rigid and flexible, and most importantly working, takes a lifetime. In the end of the day you can improve your life by asking yourself two simple questions:

Take your time.

The time when you are alone is a beautiful time. Invest it in yourself. Meditate. Find your center and let it be your anchor so that the vanity of the daily life couldn’t shatter the strength of your intention. Find a way to the source inside you, and it will keep reminding you who you truly are.

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